why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
