Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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