Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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