you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
