Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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