walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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