yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
