my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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