We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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