i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
