So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
