I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
