Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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