So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
