From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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