we have pet lesbian snakes
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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