party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
