She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
