it's like iHOP with fire
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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