There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am available for nakedness
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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