u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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