I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
