Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
