I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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