it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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