i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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