he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
