What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
