My first STD was from a foam party
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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