I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
