Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
