true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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