I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
