my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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