I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
