you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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