Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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