His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
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