I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
