Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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