I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
