I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Bring me that man meat
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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