Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
