I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
