Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
