My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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