I seem to have left my pride at pride
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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