Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
