Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
