New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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