so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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