her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
