i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
